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    CURLING: The Game For All Ages and Abilities

CURLING HUMOUR: ONE LINERS


THE SUNDAY DRAW:

All people who curl instead of going to church meetings will be glad to know that curling is a legitimate religious activity, with scriptural sanction.

For example, the Bible ..

  • .. speaks to the beginner who is assigned as Lead:
    "He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone."   (John 8:7)
     
  • .. urges the Second whose Lead has drawn two stones into the house:
    "Be thou a guard unto them."   (Ezekiel 38:7)
     
  • .. confirms a Second's personal resolution, as his Skip throws a take-out:
    "I will sweep with the besom of destruction."   (Isaiah 14:23)
     
  • .. describes the Vice(-skip)'s shots:
    "The rocks are thrown down by him."    (Nahum 1:6)
     
  •  .. and notes the remarks of surprise and joy made by his Skip:
    "Behold he smote the rock"   (Psalm 78:20)
    "Their rock is removed out of place."  (Job 14:8)
     
  • .. makes only one comment about the activity of the Skip:
    "Why stand ye here all the day idle?"   (Matthew 20:16)

Thanks to:
Dundas Granite CC,
Granite Andy Newsletter
(November, 1997)

 


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CURLING:

  1. Thou shalt worship the lord thy skip with all thy heart and all thy soul. Thou shalt not taketh the name of thy skip in vain.
  2. Thou shalt observe each curling day as a holy day. Six days shall ye toil, but on curling day thou shalt enter the House of Curling and partieth on.
  3. Thou shalt not wear thy street shoes upon the surface of the ice. The skips must stone to death any infidel who bringeth unholy crap upon the ice.
  4. Thou shalt not pass wind in the direction of thy opposing skip. If this ye doest, the penalty shall be death.
  5. Thou shalt place thy skip's rock before the holy hack with the handle pointed in thy skip's preferred position.
  6. Thou shalt not wear pants of outrageous design. If this ye doest, thy fellow curlers must heapeth scorn and insults upon thee.
  7. Thou shalt not covet thy opponent's in-turn or out-turn. Neither covet thy foe's draw weight.
  8. Thou shalt not hoggeth thy rock in the shoot-out. If this ye doest, ye must offer up a double round  to appease the wrath of thy team-mates.
  9. Thou shalt not let thy head swell with victory over thy betters. Woe unto he who does, for he shall come crashing rudely to the earth.
  10. Thou shalt not heap blame upon the keepers of the ice for thy losses. Neither shall ye blame the makers of the rocks. Blame not thy team-mates, yet look inward to thyself for fault.

Thanks to:
Grant Triggs

 


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE HAVING A BAD GAME:

10. They start pebbling the ice in the fourth end.

9. Your skip keeps saying, "Nice try!"

8. Your opposition starts hanging its score on the next sheet.

7. While you're in the washroom, your team-mates sneak away to the bar.

6. The Ice-maker starts heckling you.

5. It's only the third end and already you owe your team-mates six drinks.

4. Your opposition is lying four and your skip wants you to throw your rock through the house.

3. You throw out your knee in the first end and your team-mates don't even notice.

2. Your sweepers burst into laughter when you release your rock.

1. You score an eight-ender in the second end and you have to throw your last rock to win 9-8.

Thanks to:
Grant Triggs

( and #1 actually happened in his league!  )

 


CURLING ... A SOCIAL SPORT?

A Skip who had played poorly was asked after the game how he had done. His answer:
"I made four friends and three enemies!"

Thanks to:
Dave Henderson

 


TOP TEN REASONS WHY CURLING HAS REPLACED SEX
AS THE NUMBER ONE INDOOR SPORT:

10. Men don't fall asleep when play is completed. 

9. In Mixed Curling, women always shoot first. 

8. The Iceman always cleans the sheets after  you play.

7. Short is not always bad.

6. You can use your rubber more than once.

5. You get to shoot your rocks 16 times in just one game.

4. The harder you stroke, the further it goes.

3. You can score more than once in each end.

2. You can do it in eight houses in less than two hours.

1. In Mixed Curling, it's acceptable to play with your best friend's wife!

(Found on a table at a Mixed 'spiel at the Simcoe Curling Club, Simcoe, Ontario, Canada)

 


WOT HO, THE GRANITE:

Did you know that Shakespeare was an astute observer of the curling scene? The Bard's plays are crammed with references to the Roaring Game.

Look them up in ..

  • .. King John   (a word to curlers in general):
    "Blow each dust, each straw, each little rub, Out of the path."

  • .. A Midsummer Night's Dream
    "To show our simple skill, That is the beginning of our end."

  • ..Cymbeline (tactics when you're leading and you've got the hammer):
    "I'll throw it into the creek, Behind our rock."

  •  ..The Merry Wives of Windsor (a skip's advice on Beginners' night):
    "Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you."

  • ..Troilus and Cressida (a comment on an obvious novice):
    "Look you what hacks are on his helmet!"

Shakespeare even had curling positions down pat. From ..

  • ..The Merchant of Venice:
    "Allay with some cold drops of modesty, Thy skipping spirit."
  • ..Othello:
    "Do you perceive how he laughed at his vice?"
  • ..Richard the Third:
    "Richard the Second here was hack'd to death."
  • ..King Lear:
    " 'Tis the times' plague, when madmen lead the blind."

Finally, a word for all curlers. From ..

  • ..As You Like It:
    "Sweep, you fat and greasy citizens."
    Thanks to/Remerciements à:

Thank to:
Stewart Brown,
The Hamilton
Spectator
(Ontario, Canada)

(As you might guess, Brown was also the daily newspaper's drama critic for more than 20 years.)



Contributions and updates requested!


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