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CURLING: The Game For All Ages and Abilities |
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CURLING HUMOUR: ONE-LINERS (+)
DROLERIES DU CURLING: UNE LIGNE (+)
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CURLING ... A SOCIAL SPORT?:
A Skip who had played poorly was asked after the game how he had done. His answer:
"I made four friends and three enemies!"
Thanks to/Remerciements à: Dave Henderson <
H55688@aol.com TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD GAME:
10. They start pebbling the ice in the fourth end.
9. Your skip keeps saying, "Nice try!"
8. Your opposition starts hanging its score on the next sheet.
7. While you're in the washroom, your team-mates sneak away to the bar.
6. The Ice-maker starts heckling you.
5. It's only the third end and already you owe your team-mates six drinks.
4. Your opposition is lying four and your skip wants you to throw your rock through the house.
3. You throw out your knee in the first end and your team-mates don't even notice.
2. Your sweepers burst into laughter when you release your rock.
1. You score an eight-ender in the second end and you have to throw your last rock to win 9-8.
Thanks to/Remerciements à: Grant Triggs <
trigger@sk.sympatico.ca
(and #1 actually happened in his league!)
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CURLING:
1. Thou shalt worship the lord thy skip with all thy heart and all thy soul. Thou shalt not taketh the
name of thy skip in vain.
2. Thou shalt observe each curling day as a holy day. Six days shall ye toil, but on curling day thou
shalt enter the House of Curling and partieth on.
3. Thou shalt not wear thy street shoes upon the surface of the ice. The skips must stone to death
any infidel who bringeth unholy crap upon the ice.
4. Thou shalt not pass wind in the direction of thy opposing skip. If this ye doest, the penalty shall be
death.
5. Thou shalt place thy skip's rock before the holy hack with the handle pointed in thy skip's preferred
position.
6. Thou shalt not wear pants of outrageous design. If this ye doest, thy fellow curlers must heapeth
scorn and insults upon thee.
7. Thou shalt not covet thy opponent's in-turn or out-turn. Neither covet thy foe's draw weight.
8. Thou shalt not hoggeth thy rock in the shoot-out. If this ye doest, ye must offer up a double round
to appease the wrath of thy team-mates.
9. Thou shalt not let thy head swell with victory over thy betters. Woe unto he who does, for he shall
come crashing rudely to the earth.
10. Thou shalt not heap blame upon the keepers of the ice for thy losses. Neither shall ye blame the
makers of the rocks. Blame not thy team-mates, yet look inward to thyself for fault.
Thanks to/Remerciements à: Grant Triggs <
trigger@sk.sympatico.ca THE SUNDAY DRAW:
All people who curl instead of going to church meetings will be glad to know that curling is a legitimate
religious activity, with scriptural sanction. For example, the Bible ..
.. speaks to the beginner who is assigned as Lead:
"He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone." (John 8:7)
.. urges the Second whose Lead has drawn two stones into the house:
"Be thou a guard unto them." (Ezekiel 38:7)
.. confirms a Second's personal resolution, as his Skip throws a take-out:
"I will sweep with the besom of destruction." (Isaiah 14:23)
.. describes the Vice(-skip)'s shots:
"The rocks are thrown down by him." (Nahum 1:6)
.. and notes the remarks of surprise and joy made by his Skip:
"Behold he smote the rock" (Psalm 78:20)
"Their rock is removed out of place." (Job 14:8)
.. makes only one comment about the activity of the Skip:
"Why stand ye here all the day idle?" (Matthew 20:16)
Thanks to/Remerciements à:
Dundas Granite CC, Granite Andy Newsletter (November, 1997) WOT HO, THE GRANITE:
Did you know that Shakespeare was an astute observer of the curling scene? The Bard's plays are crammed
with references to the Roaring Game. Look them up in ..
.. King John (a word to curlers in general):
"Blow each dust, each straw, each little rub, Out of the path."
.. A Midsummer Night's Dream:
"To show our simple skill, That is the beginning of our end."
.. Cymbeline (tactics when you're leading and you've got the hammer):
"I'll throw it into the creek, Behind our rock."
.. The Merry Wives of Windsor (a skip's advice on Beginners' night):
"Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you."
.. Troilus and Cressida (a comment on an obvious novice):
"Look you what hacks are on his helmet!"
Shakespeare even had curling positions down pat. From ..
.. The Merchant of Venice:
"Allay with some cold drops of modesty, Thy skipping spirit."
.. Othello:
"Do you perceive how he laughed at his vice?"
.. Richard the Third:
"Richard the Second here was hack'd to death."
.. King Lear:
" 'Tis the times' plague, when madmen lead the blind."
Finally, a word for all curlers. From ..
.. As You Like It:
"Sweep, you fat and greasy citizens."
Thanks to/Remerciements à: Stewart Brown, The Hamilton (Ontario, Canada) Spectator
(As you might guess, Brown was also the daily newspaper's drama critic for more than 20 years.)
TOP TEN REASONS WHY CURLING HAS REPLACED SEX AS THE NUMBER ONE INDOOR SPORT:
10. Men don't fall asleep when play is completed.
9. In Mixed Curling, women always shoot first.
8. The Iceman always cleans the sheets after you play.
7. Short is not always bad.
6. You can use your rubber more than once.
5. You get to shoot your rocks 16 times in just one game.
4. The harder you stroke, the further it goes.
3. You can score more than once in each end.
2. You can do it in eight houses in less than two hours.
1. In Mixed Curling, it's acceptable to play with your best friend's wife!
(Found on a table at a Mixed 'spiel at the Simcoe Curling Club, Simcoe, Ontario, Canada)
CURLING TERMINOLOGY: A
B >C >D >E >F >G >H >I K >L >M >N >O >P R >S >T V >W  A
°
B
° Beginner: The new curler who makes great shots with wrong turns and crappy deliveries.
° Biter: That one rock in the last end of a tied game that has been shot at and missed 6 times in a row.
° Blank: The look on a Skip's face when he/she flashes a hammer-shot past an open hit and gives up six.
° Blanked end: Nobody had draw weight.
° Bonspiel: An excuse to get together with a bunch of guys, drink some beer, curl a few ends, drink
more beer, curl a few more ends, drink more beer, smoke cigars, drink more beer, ....
° Broom (Brush): Something for a Skip to lean on when he/she gets tired from yelling at the front end to
"Hurry! Hard!" (See Off the Broom.)
° Broom Bag: An extra large carrying case that will hold 1 curling broom, 24 cans of beer, 1 bottle scotch,
1 large bag of ice cubes, 3 bags of pretzels and more.
° Bury: What you do with your head when you hog your rock in the eighth end.
° Button: The thing on which you put your tired butt, after you've swept 16 light rocks. (Also known as
a bench).
°
C
° Chip: A short shot with a short back-swing in order to land the ball on the green .. oops .. wishing it
were summer! (See Tee-line.)
° Curling: A game in which you slide rocks along a surface of ice. Rocks which you expect to curl will go
straight, and rocks which you expect to go straight will curl. It's lots of fun and the outcome of the
game is often left totally up to chance.
°
D
° Delivery: That beautiful, fully-balanced, rink-long slide with a controlled, smooth release that allows
the shot to miss anyway.
° Double: What every losing curler wants to order when the opposition asks what he/she is drinking.
(See Triple.)
° Draw: The best outcome of a game between a husband and a wife.
° Draw-master: The Skip you beat in your last game. He/she makes certain your next game is against the
defending World Championship team which is playing its way out of your club.
° Draw weight: Damned if I know!
°
E
° Eight-foot: The space between the object rock and the Vice's shooter as he/she misses a takeout. (See
Four-foot and Twelve-foot.)
° End: What the front end thinks a hard-swept game will never do.
° Extra end: The favourite(??) part of a game for Leads and Seconds, especially when it comes in the
3rd 10-end game of the day.
°
F
° Flip (Toss) of the coin: A very important part of the game. It determines the colour of the handles on
the rocks upon which you will blame your poor shots.
° Four-foot: The space between the object rock and the Second's shooter as he/she misses a takeout. (See
Eight-foot and Twelve-foot.)
° Free Guard Zone: The area of the ice where all shots that were too light end up.
° Freeze: What you do until you sweep the first 2 stones.
° Front End: The 2 players who make the Skip look good.
°
G
° Gallery: The 100's of people who witness your miss of a simple hit and stay for the win. Also, the
1 lone soul who witnesses your quadruple angle-raise takeout for 8.
° Guard: A shot that was supposed to take out an opponent's stone but came up short of the house.
(See Hit.)
° Good Curling: Being healthy enough to be at the rink and able to participate.
(Consider the alternatives.)
° Great Shot: Any time Lady Luck is on your side.
° Gripper: The guy who knows why every shot was a miss: "The ice was too wide! A straw caught the stone!
There was frost on the ice!" .. Wait .. I thought you said "GRIPER"!
°
H
° Hack: A hopelessly untalented curler.
° Hammer: What you want to use on your Skip after he/she misses an open hit and gives up 6.
° Hard: The shot you are expected to make to save the end.
° Heavy: The rock that Bubba picks up and wipes on his sweater, in order to clean its running surface.
° Hit: A shot that was supposed to be a guard but was too heavy and knocked out a stone or 2 or 3.
(See Guard.)
° Hog: The first guy to the buffet table at a curling banquet.
° Hog Line: The rest of the people at the buffet table at a curling banquet.
° House: A dwelling a curler owns and inhabits during summer months but only visits between bonspiels in
winter.
° Hurry: A way to make it to the washroom between shots.
°
I
° In-turn: When all players throw their rocks in the proper order. (See Out-turn.)
°
J
°
K
° Keen: The attitude of a curler in the first end until the opposition scores 6.
°
L
° Lead: Short for Leader .. truely, the most important member of the team.
° Losers: The most skilled players with the best excuses. (See Winners.)
°
M
° Measurement: The 3 fingers laid against the side of a tall glass to indicate how much rum you
want in the glass.
°
N
° Negative ice: A skip's explanation for missing his/her shot by a mile.
° Nice try: What a kind Skip calls the shot that you missed.
° Narrow: Not wide. (See Wide.)
°
O
° Off the broom: The brief moments in a game when the Skip isn't leaning on his/her broom.
(See Broom.)
° On the broom: Not wide! Not narrow! Just lucky!
° Outside, Inside, Pinched the broom! Expressions used by your Skip to say you missed the shot.
The terms never imply that the broom was positioned wrong in the first place.
° Out-turn: When a team member throws one too many rocks. (See In-turn.)
°
P
° Pebble: That huge piece of something that snags under a rock to make it come to a sudden and untimely
stop.
° Pick: The reason given by the Skip for his/her stone coming up 12 feet short on a free draw.
°
Q
°
R
° Raise: The 100% increase in pay earned by an unpaid player after he/she makes a good shot.
° Release: Remembering to let go of the rock, remembering to put on the correct turn, remembering to
apply the correct weight, remembering you were supposed to be throwing the other colour, just as you
let go of the rock.
° Rings: Gifts brought home to abandoned curling wives.
°
S
° Second: The amount of time between a button draw and a hack weight take-out.
° Sheets: What the East Coast curler suffers after 3 jugs of crummy draft beer.
° Shit shot: The shot nobody saw. It often has "parking lot" weight and, after unforeseen rubs and
hits and rolls, leaves the team which was sitting 4 (buried) looking at its opposition counting 2.
° Shitty shot: According to your Skip, anything you miss. (See Tough shot.)
° Skip: The position that each member of the team thinks he/she is playing.
° Slider: A common expression heard 2 hours after the game, at one of the lounge tables, as in ..
"That thar beer .. slider over here!"
° Stats: The record of the shots you made .. this number will rarely exceed 30%.
° Stone: That extremely heavy piece of granite that seems to slide and slide and slide and slide
with very lttle effort.
° Sweep: Something a curler (except a Skip) will almost kill him/herself doing on ice, but wouldn't
be caught dead doing at home.
°
T
° Take-out: The meal wolfed down between shots in the 3rd game of the day.
° Tap: The long handle the bar maid pulls to fill the jug.
° Tee-line: The place where you set up the ball before you .. oops .. thinking of summer again! (See Chip.)
° Tie-breaker: The game between the 2 teams tied for 5th place, scheduled at 6 AM, Sunday morning.
(Players would have preferred winner to be declared on Saturday, by flip of a coin.)
° Toss (Flip) of the coin: A very important part of the game. It determines the colour of the handles on
the rocks upon which you will blame your poor shots.
° Tough shot: According to your Skip, anything he/she misses. (See Shit shot.)
° Triple: A double, but even better, especially if you lost. (See Double.)
° Trophy: The prize given to a winning team. Usually, it will not fit inside a mini-van, takes 4 gloating
grown-ups to carry it, takes up 3/4 of a photograph and has not been engraved for the past 12 years.
Smaller varieties fill attics, garages and basements everywhere.
° Twelve-foot: The space between the object rock and the Skip's shooter as he/she misses a takeout. (See
Four-foot and Eight-foot.)
°
U
°
V
° Vice: What non-curlers say fanatic curlers have.
°
W
° Wide: Not Narrow. (See Narrow.)
° Winners: Those that Lady Luck liked the most. (See Losers.)
°
X
°
Y
°
Z
°
Thanks to/Remerciements à: Zee <
zultekp@shaw.ca, et al
 Other contributions requested!
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